Tuesday, July 10, 2007

I Was A Ninety-Pound Weakling

I hate not having my big beautiful muscles anymore. It's not all about vanity, though I'm certainly not in love with the way these scrawny little pipe cleaner arms look right now. What I really hate the most is being weak, too weak to be useful, too weak to be independent, too weak to do the things I really need to do.

For example. I got it into my head recently that I wanted to buy a bunch of concrete Virgin Marys and paint and decorate them to make them look like Frida all decked out in her various self-portraits. Fun little craft project! Besides, every tiny shack needs a bunch of colorful festive virgins lurking around in its corners. So I went to the little nursery in downtown Deep Inferno and purchased myself a 36" tall statue of the Blessed Mother With Sacred Heart, to be the first of my Fridas.

The guy at the nursery loaded her into my car for me, and you know, it never even occurred to me that I'd have trouble getting her out when I got home. Back in the day, which is to say exactly one year ago, I could have easily tossed her over my shoulder and toted her to hell and back without batting an eye. But now? I can't even budge her. Not one stupid inch.

So now I have this damn virgin lying supine on my back seat, her hands outstretched, eyes aglow, and heart bursting out of her flat little chest like an eighth grader on her very first car date.

Our Lady of the Back Seat

And she'll have to stay back there, riding around with me on my various errands, until next week when Mr. Oscar Lewis, my elderly yard helper, comes to clean the back fence. Mr. Oscar Lewis's claim to fame is that he doesn't catch poison ivy, so his services are much in demand around these parts. The evil stuff grows on my fence like kudzu, and I dread that the dogs will roll in it and bring it inside to me. Anyway, between the two of us, me and the elderly Mr. Oscar Lewis, we might be able to lug her into the kitchen so I can start painting.

So you see? This is why I wish to hell I could have this hideous port taken out, so I can start working out again and rebuild my strength. I could have done five or six virgins by now.

Ah well. Meanwhile, the multi-colored Crape Myrtles along my fence are starting to bloom, and in spite of the nonstop rain my poor little flower bed is blooming like crazy and finally starting to fill in. Until the hideous port is out, all I can do is focus on building inner strength. Too bad there's not a competition to see who can bench press the most bad-news biopsies, brutal bankruptcies, and bastardly boyfriends. I've always wanted to win a trophy.

Crape Myrtles along fence

Poor little flower bed

Pipe cleaner arms


Blogger Dr. Lisa said...


I so feel your pain. While I can finally exercise, I find myself everyday coming up wtih something I want to do that would require a- climbing a ladder (totally off limits because of my scarred weak ankle from my ankle cancer, or b- standing for more than 10 minutes also still off limits. I hate asking for help, for simple things I used to do without a thought like hanging off a ladder to trim my hedges.

The image of you driving around with the Blessed Virgin of the Backseat totally made me laugh.

Good luck

1:23 PM  
Blogger Betsy said...

OMG, that reminded me of a song I learned in church camp when I was a kid:

Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus,
riding on the dashboard of my car!
I don't care if rains or freezes,
long as I've got my plastic Jesus,
riding on the dashboard of my car.

Hope you get your muscles back soon.

4:08 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

Apropos of nothing, saw this and thought you'd be interested:


4:17 PM  
Blogger No Sharp Edges said...

Maybe the Obtusely Rev. BDL could say a special blessing for you and the B.V. of the Back Seat while you're tooling around Deep Inferno together?

Oh, and as for this statement:

I could have done five or six virgins by now.

Sheesh - you jocks are all alike!

4:43 PM  
Blogger Katherine said...

"I could have done five or six virgins by now."

Whatever will the Boyfriend think? ;)

7:22 PM  
Blogger citygrrrl said...

ah yes, i remember those days... being a virgin on the back seat of a car....

7:57 PM  
Blogger Lt. Obtusely Rev. B. Dagger Lee said...

The weak muscle thing sucks.

I come here for the dog porn and the statue porn. Does that make me a big feminist godbag hypocrite?

The Obtuse one

Oh, and for crissakes, put her seatbelt on.

9:07 PM  
Blogger Deviant Deziner, aka Michelle said...

I can commiserate, I have two 15 gallon Cotinus trees waiting helplessly in the back of my pick up truck .
They'll rest prone in the back of the truck until tomorrow when I can rally some help to liberate them.
I had major lung surgery 3 weeks ago and I feel like a breathless pansy.

10:00 PM  
Blogger Elfling said...

Were I there, I'd lift 'em all for you Leda. Miss you tons on the forums. *elfhugs*

11:35 PM  
Blogger Lymphopo said...

Thank, Elf! Tell the non-asshats I said: Good Luck With Your Damn Muscles, Wankers. And tell Slortar to hug my beloved Neil for me.

11:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was Frida's birthday recently, so this seems like an especially perfectly perfect craft project.

I don't understand why you have to lift the VM at all, though. You'd think the virgin mother of the son of god could levitate off her own damn ass.

Maybe the manufacturer used the wrong kind of concrete.

9:45 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I love the idea of a gallery of virgin Fridas! The crucial question, though: will they all have massive monobrows?

I feel you on the muscle weakness thing. I ruptured my calf muscle and got tennis elbow this summer, so I have been ordered to stay away from the gym for a minimum of 6 weeks. I'm on week 5, and I'm dying to get back into the gym and working with my trainer. (I've just been approved this week to walk without crutches, best news in weeks!) This summer was supposed to be the summer I lost all the weight I gained from quitting smoking. Instead, it's become the summer of the ever-expanding ass and the I-am-a-weakling muscles. I completely sympathize. Hopefully, you'll be able to get your port out very, very soon!

5:46 PM  
Blogger Axon said...


Nice try, babe. But I can see excellent shoulder definition in the photo of your hideous port. You've still got guns. Aim high.


12:49 AM  
Blogger alphabitch said...

"I could have done five or six virgins by now." Surely there's some kind of trophy for that, no?

1:15 PM  

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