The Day I Exploded With Pride
This is the son many of you know as Finnegan's Wakeup Call, and others may know as Kosovo Boy. Sure, I was proud of him for getting all crazyass famous when he was 16. But I'm even more proud of him because of the respect and affection he has earned from friends and colleagues, and for the incredibly brave and important work he's doing now.
Here are a few other fine things he's accomplished during his first quarter century:
He was the fattest baby in the entire history of the universe.
He holds a world record for eating the most hard-boiled Easter eggs whole, without even peeling the shell off.
He was imprisoned at age 5 for violating a city ordinance prohibiting the picking of more than one banjo at a time on a public roadway.
Always a sweet, gentle, pacifist child, he somehow spent most of his high school years fuming in a damn penalty box. But I swear to the mighty FSM it was never once his fault.
He refused to feign a sexual romance with a girl who was a good friend just so he could get his face on the cover of People magazine, settling for the contents page and an article near the back instead.
He survived four brutal years at Harvard with his faculties, principles, and sense of humor miraculously intact.
All his life he has been wildly adored by small children and dogs.
He and the world's most magnificent woman got married in a donut shop.
Seriously, folks: do I have the world's greatest boys or what? Happy birthday, kiddo!